“I am truly dedicated to spreading the message about Amicable Divorce and encouraging people to communicate after separation, for the benefit of their children”
– Cassandra Kalpaxis in Dignified Divorce
The finalisation of your divorce or separation may feel like the end of your relationship with a partner. However, that may not necessarily be the case, especially when there are children involved. Moving forward, it is absolutely necessary to maintain communication with your now ex-partner.
With both of you going your separate ways, there are rare opportunities for you and your former partner to sit down and work on perfecting communication (given that you are no longer together) and thus there is a lot of reliance on the foundation that was built during the relationship. As can be expected, the better the foundation, the better communicating with your ex-partner will be. Times can be tough but when this happens, just remember to do it for the children.
If you are on here reading this article, there is clear effort on your part to try and communicate effectively with your ex-partner. However, it is impossible for you to actively manage the way they communicate with you. This is not in your control, but there are steps you can do to try and work on the level of communication that you currently do have.
Ex-partners can be difficult and communication issues may have been a factor in the breakdown of the relationship. If you find that your ex-partner is trying but unable to communicate with you effectively, share this article with them as well and hopefully it helps.
4 Tips to communicate effectively with your ex-partner
(1) Have respect.
It is understandable that with the falling out with your partner, having respect for your ex-partner may not be your top priority, and that is completely understandable. However, this is crucial to moving forward. This is not limited to just respecting your ex-partner. It extends to respecting your ex-partner’s new family, new life, new direction moving forward. They may have moved on; they may be seeing other people and it is important that you respect that, because you would want to receive that in return.
You should also seek to have them respect the same things in relation to you. Most of your communication with your ex-partner would be with regard to the children and keeping it that way would be good.
In short, have respect for one another in knowing that yes, you have parted ways, but you are all on your own journey moving forward.
(2) Set Boundaries
Having respect means setting boundaries. If your ex-partner steps over the line, be sure to, assertively but politely, tell them how you feel. If you feel like it can get messy, do so in writing.
It’s also important to sometimes step back from the situation and not think about it for a minute. This may be hard, but the reason why this is useful is so you don’t say something in the heat of the moment that you may regret.
At the start, a large portion of your ‘relationship’ with your new ex-partner would be spent setting these boundaries. In an ideal case, the both of you transition to a well respected ‘relationship’ where there is no need to set boundaries anymore as you are both aware of what’s in place.
(3) Focus on the issue/s at hand.
I know; you know; they know – no one can push your ex-partner’s buttons like you do.
Do not do it.
Things can get tense between ex-partners and any chance you get, you should be looking to soothe things over instead of making it worse. Be open, take a step back and take another look at what the problem really is.
If the matter is not urgent, take a few days apart and return with cooler heads.
A large number of these issues occur because each parent is thinking for themselves or building on their personal opinions about what is best for the children.
Focus on what’s important for the children, not about what you want to say. Setting this clear foundation will be much more useful moving forward as you will both be aware that anything you communicate to each other is expected to be in the best interests of the children.
We would also recommend starting a sentence with “I” instead of “You”. For example:
Use: “I feel like my privacy has not been respected”.
Instead of: “You did not respect my privacy”.
As always, remember to maintain a calm tone when discussing matters with your ex-partner.
(4) Use a co-parenting app
When all else fails and you just cannot stand to communicate directly with your ex-partner, use a co-parenting app. These applications include,
Cozi; and
Click any of the applications above to access their website.
Our Final Thoughts
Understand that communication with your ex-partner is inevitable. It must happen at least for the benefit of the children. As such, it is only in your benefit that it is done effectively and amicably. When moving forward on your own, ensure you have a good support system around you and lean on them when times get tough.
If you are just starting to consider a divorce and would like more information about the work we do at Kalpaxis Legal, be sure to contact us for a free 15 minute consultation or send us an email at info@kalpaxislegal.com.au
